the stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them

9:15pm: not going to Germany anymore.

1:39pm: if i was able to, i swear to god i would fix everything i ever did wrong with you. all i need is one chance... one opportunity to show you that i'm not as horrible as you think i am.

9:56pm: well it has been a long time since i've written, right? things have been smooth. i stopped working at guitar center a long time ago. i'm teaching guitar lessons now which rules.

i haven't told anyone this because i was worried about upsetting people, but i'm going to germany for the summer. i'm leaving june 17th and coming back sometime in late august. i'm sorry guys. i've been praying about it and it just seems right. i'm going to stay with the family i stayed with when i went there in 2003. i'm pretty excited, but i'm going to miss everyone. obviously.

more some other time.

4:47pm: I want her to be my girlfriend.




Again. =\

5:58pm: Quit crying over him. He's a douche bag.

4:54pm: Grace called me twice at work today, very adamant-seeming about going out tonight.

...Or not. She just called... none too thrilled to do anything. She's been throwing up for the past hour. That's sad. I would drag her along, but that's rude. Hmmph. Instead Jessica is coming over for dinner. My parents are out of town for the weekend which means we have the WHOLE refridgerator all to ourselves. After dinner we'll probably have some some peeps come over. Anyone who reads this, come ova! We'll play cranium duudes.

I love girls so much. Not all girls, but I love my main girls. Jessica, Thad, Summer, Michelle, Britt. I get protective over girls that I really care about. I just want Jessica to find a boy who makes her feel as important and amazing as she is. and I want Thad to feel beautiful. Summer should marry Darin. Michelle seems pretty happy. And I want to meet Britt's boyfriend because he sounds like a douche to me.

Come over tonight.

2:37pm: You're not the one that's selfish. I know it's me. I've always been selfish when it comes to you. It didn't become CLEAR until I heard it from everyone else. It hit me hard when Thad told me, "You're not being her best friend. You're acting like a jealous, self centered ass hole. Stop it." I'm going to stop. I haven't been the best friend that I want to be, and I know you blame it on me. I blame it on my jealousy. It's going to stop.

When he makes you happy, come to me. When he upsets you, come to me. When he makes you smile or cry, come to me. I promise not to pout or throw a fit. I promise to be your best friend.

10:46pm: incrediboy
life is reminding me that while I might be a heroboy, my cell phone is certainly not super

11:47am: hello teacher, tell me, what's my lesson?
happy easter, kids!

man, this weekend has been great. even though it has passed by far too quickly.

the taste of chaos tour last night was amazing. senses fail, my chemical romance, and the used were definitely the highlights. and the used played "on my own" which ruled, since it was the second song i had ever heard by them.
and they, of course, played "all that i've got" which i have been in love with for weeks now. i think i may have a minor concussion. and my neck really hurts, thanks to this poor girl who got dropped on my head while crowd surfing... ow. gosh, it was awesome, though.

i'm going to the gym. physical fitness does not get put on hold due to the resurection. later jess and i are going to thad's house for easter dinner after the dinner, type thing. BEST FRIENDS 4 EVA!

11:55am: well i'm almost finally out of words

11:05pm: sorry
i knew it. i felt it. something was not right, but daringly so awful and wrong i kept quiet. how could i of all people sense that there was something wrong with you? that was defying the laws of gravity. and then i read it and it was confirmed. i am so sorry.

there are things i could say to make up for things i said. but the things i say now will never cover up hurtful words that stung the heart. words are all i have right now. and though you may not know or ever know. i am sorry. for the past, the animosity. and i am truly sorry for today.

perhaps you'll read this and wonder who i'm thinking about. and if you do, really it's for you.

11:16pm: last night buddha, darin, andy and i decided to crash thad's girls night. i was kind of nervous at first. i don't really know what i was expecting. something similar to a britney spears dance party complete with facials and pedicures. all we got was dance dance revolution and some friggen potato chips. friggen a.

i worked a ten hour day. i'm not really sure if they're allowed to work me for ten hours. i don't care. i need money. i'm in college now. i kept getting the most random text messages from jessica. they said things like, "booger booger booger" or "f the b s." that girl.

i asked grace on a date. like, a for real date. she said yes and i'm kind of nervous. that girl intimdates me.

i'm falling more and more in love with bright eyes every day. conor oberst is OH SO amazing. dlkshgalghafhgkjekbh

jessica is coming over and we're going to watch aqua teen hunger force. a lot. bye.

9:43am: it’s been a long time and I felt like writing about what’s been going on in my life lately.













yeah, that’s about it.

12:34am: I guess i thought she would wait around for me to figure out what I wanted. Even though I always knew what I wanted, it was her. I figured she'd always be there, waiting.

I ever thought I'd lose my chance. I did. And if she's happy with him all I can do is find a way to be happy for her. It's going to hurt for a long time.

10:41am: Emery was last night... Thad and I went. I'm still waiting for TOC, it's going to be teh cool.



I hope she reads each and every word.

The cold concrete cuts against her back
And her spirit spills with blood onto the pavement
Hands tied so tight behind her neck
And a silence falls, and everything changes
And everything dies, to you nothing’s alive, to you anymore
I guess you've gotten more than you might have wanted

If I could take your pain away
I would scream for you
I would bleed for you
So you’ll never feel this way
Again when you’re in my arms
I would scream for you
I will bleed for you

She drowns herself until the images erase
But the skin is bruised all along her thighs
Nightmares repeat refrain the memories of pain
In mental photographs haunting all the time so
She shuts her eyes, to you she tries to hide
From you, she falls asleep into dreams where she is safe

If I could take your pain away
I would scream for you
And I’ll bleed for you
So you’ll never feel this way
Again when you’re in my arms
I would scream for you
I will bleed for you

Put the weight on my shoulders
And the pain in my heart
Tie the knots in my stomach and you’ll let it tear me apart.
So tear me apart.
So I could be everything you need

And this silence strips me bare,
and your body pins me down.
I've never been so scared to breathe,
afraid to make a sound.
And all I know is you'll never let me go..
Just kick and scream, bite and bleed,
and make believe it's all a dream.

7:56pm: lately i've been doing the whole, dating around and seeing what girls are out there, sort of thing. it's not working very well because i compare everyone to her, and as of yet no one has even come close. i'm still not really sure why her and just can't make things work. everyone says we're perfect for each other. i guess it was just bad timing. or maybe everyone else was wrong.

i just wish i
could
get
her
off
my mind.

10:31am: some people need to learn to stand up for themselves and quit taking shit they don't deserve from people is all.

11:29pm: wow i haven't written in this thing for a long time. i discovered this thing called nature and i have been spending some time in it. i also discoverd a thing called a life and i have been having one. it's been really cool. so far i have been doing good on my new year's resolution of not dying. i mean i almost died on the ice but i showed it who's boss.

this past week i spent almost entirely with michelle. man, that girl is really cool because she played halo 2 with me and she likes my car. i think she could potentially be a really good friend. you know, like one of those friends you can talk to and whatnot.

i have not seen buddha or darin in a long time, i called budd earlier to see if he was still alive but he was sleeping so i'm guessing he wasn't. i don't know. i just need to bond with my male friends. maybe i'll call andy from england and see if he wants to eat cake.

i am kind of sad because i just read jessica's journal and she is unhappy, and it's sad because i hate unhappiness. i think i will take her out for pie and tell her stories because stories always make people smile. and see jessica smile is, the coolest thing ever.

i promise the next time i write in this thing i'll say something intelligent. bye.

9:26am: i am a closet fan of country music
just to see you smile i'd so anything
that you wanted me to
when all is said and done
i'd never count the cost
it's worth all that's lost
just to see you smile

11:13am: happy new years?
wow i most certainly don't write in this thing enough. okay, i'm home from texas now THANK GOD IN HEAVEN. and when i got in last night jessica, summer, buddha and britt surprised me at the airport, woo hoo. and they gave me my (late) christmas presents. it was, indeed a

PAINTBALL GUN!! now i don't have to rent them anymore. yess

it was cool because the gun was like 200 dollars? and there were four of them that went in on it so they each paid 50 dollars. that's cool, because like, i think fifty dollars is a lot of money?

and jess also got me the billy madison/happy gilmore dvd set, which made my life, because i looked for it everywhere and couldn't find it. oh and i got some dirt flavored jelly beans too.

so tonight is new years eve, i guess it's cool. new years resolutions are really stupid on account of they never work out. so i only have one this year.

my only resolution is not to die. the reason being when i looked at this past year i realized that i did a lot of crazy hellish things that could have killed me now that i think about it. i mean, i guess it would be okay if i died because i would get to see jesus (yesss!) but i like being alive. maybe i'll wait till next year to die.

oh and my other resolution is to move out. which is already in progress and buddha and darin and i are moving in together when buddha graduates, F'SHO!

i love you, bye.

2:10pm: i'm in texas and i just watched billy madison. it's all good.

12:48pm: a's baby
thank god for winter break. and i don't mean that in vain. i got my scores from my german, psychology, music and english finals. i got straight a's this semester. i don't know what came over me.

i'm leaving tomorrow to go to texas. i really hate going to texas a LOT. i hate everything about it. especially texas GIRLS. they make me insane. oh well, we shall see how it goes.

8:24am: hair cut
so let's see what has happened since the last time i wrote?

i got my hair cut. it looks cool and stupid but no one really cares. i wanted to shave it but people whose opinions i care about said no. i'm sick of longish hair. the only reason it's longish is because i'm too lazy to cut it. i'm vain i think.

i've been learning a lot about my dad lately... i mean my biological father. i think the reason i'm missing him now more than ever is because i'm becoming more of a man... omg that sounded cheesy/stupid. i feel.... gipped, ya know? he liked paintball guns which is cool because i think paintball guns are great and i hope to own one in the future. um, and he played the guitar, like me. and he was really good, like i hope to be. i really hate that he died.

2:40pm: love
we turned the radio on
still remember the song
we held hands and there it was
LOVE.


this is the first time in my lifetime I'm not living for myself.

10:32am: i don't have a girlfriend anymore. it ended well and sound. i have no hard feelings, and i have my best friend back. jess you're my best friend.